Feeling Undervalued? Here’s What You Can Do
Photo by Lina Trochez on Unsplash
The phrase: “taken for granted” can be defined as "to value (something or someone) too lightly; to fail to properly notice or appreciate (someone or something) that should be valued” (Miriam-Webster). The Cambridge Dictionary offers a slightly different nuance: "to believe something to be the truth without even thinking about it”, explaining that “if you take situations or people for granted, you do not realize or show that you are grateful for how much you get from them” – and even – “to never think about someone or something because you believe it will always be available or stay exactly the same”.
So one half of the equation is someone taking things and people for granted, and the other half is someone else left with a simmering resentment that can easily turn into a dangerous, roiling boil.
Fun and games in the world of work!
It can become an oddly ‘comfortable’ pattern of codependence that continues on for years, even turning into a situation where people don't know how to be happy unless they're unhappy (either because they’re perpetually taken for granted, or because they’re perpetually oblivious – or at the extreme, narcissistic). We can get into a pattern where the attempts at communication and requests for change from one party are perceived as mere ‘complaints’ or even just as ‘noise’ by the other.
It can happen in a marriage and in a family, and it can sure happen in the world of work. In fact, being underappreciated in one relationship can damage others. Being taken for granted might actually stem from patterns of behavior learned in childhood. It can also result from being someone who always gives well over 50% in relationships. It can stem from feelings of inadequacy and insecurity around ‘fitting in’ being ‘good enough’ and wanting, above all, to be liked.
And let's face it, the personality type that is likely to feel taken for granted is also likely to blame themselves first.
So how do you know if you're actually being taken for granted – if you have a ‘legitimate’ complaint? When and how should you draw the line?
Begin by taking a step back and look at the facts:
Is it related to a particular circumstance or project? (SHORT-TERM DURATION)
Is it related to a specific incident? (SINGULAR DURATION)
Even a one-off can be like a sucker punch if you've gone above and beyond and are anticipating an ‘attaboy’ and don't get it. How do you avoid coming across as needy, but still get your contributions and extra effort recognized? Others, in their effort to meet deadlines and adhere to budgets, may only notice THAT things are going well. They may not have the wherewithal to also appreciate the team effort it is taking to get there, never mind notice individual contributions.
This is not an excuse. After all, motivating others is what leadership is all about. What it does mean, though, is that everyone is in a process of becoming our future selves – hopefully for the better. Like it or not (at least in contemporary western culture) you’re 50% of the equation. Thus, if you are feeling underappreciated, you have a right and responsibility to yourself to speak up.
How to do so without coming across as needy or annoying?
Pick the right time and place. Those who want to do better will hear you, and will appreciate you having created a window for them to provide that gratitude. The worst thing you can do is ascribe personal malice to their behavior – that's a rookie error.
If you can determine that this has not become an established pattern of behaviour, then the time for frank, candid, communication is now – do not let it fester. Be sure to discuss the situation first 1:1 and in a casual setting to downplay emotions and save face. You can bring it to the larger group later, if required.
Give yourself 24 hours to cool off. Take the time to write out both feeling and facts, but just do it for yourself in order to clarify where you’re at.
Cultivate the right attitude. Do not be scared or confrontational, or you will escalate the situation. Have confidence that things will go well. Smile – help your face help you.
Then, begin your conversation with this formula:
> I noticed that … (FACT)
> I felt … (FEELING)
> Can you help me understand, … , Ron? (CLARIFYING QUESTION + NAME)
OR
> I feel really good about … (FEELING)
> Because of that, we were able to … (FACT)
> I know you appreciate that, right, Sue? (CASUAL REQUEST FOR ACKNOWLEDGEMENT + NAME)
Often, particularly in time-sensitive projects, people can be so under pressure and preoccupied that their focus, quite simply, is elsewhere.
However, if this is an ongoing issue (with this person, with this job, with your life), that’s another matter.
Ask yourself:
Is this something that is an entrenched pattern? (LONG-TERM DURATION)
Then there are for sure some limiting beliefs on your end that need to be recognized, examined, and eradicated. It’s not all your fault, don’t get me wrong – but only you can fix it.
If you’re being taken for granted again and again until going the extra mile becomes a never-ending marathon, this is trickier than just a well-managed conversation. In fact, you've likely lodged your protests, expressed your discontent, tried the silent treatment, and maybe you've even gone ‘on strike’ – all of which just amounts to you being a gigantic, petty pain in the rear.
WHAT?!
Yes, I said it. After all, I'm the coach who tells you what others can't or won't. In this situation, you are playing a long, drawn-out game that's gone well into overtime. You might be flabbergasted to hear that it has become expected for you to BMW (Bitch, Moan, Whine - courtesy Nick Noorani). It's part of the deal. In fact, you've become a whining little mosquito, and if you keep it up, you'll get swatted. And don't come crying to me when they've suddenly hired two people to take on all the tasks you used to handle by yourself before you were terminated.
You see, it’s not like you don't have a point, or a legitimate objection. You do.
You just haven't established clear boundaries, or set firm expectations, or communicated effectively. Cultivate real authority and the conviction to teach people how to treat you properly.
It begins with believing ourselves. With every interaction, we demonstrate unambiguously who we are, what we value, and the degree of our own self-esteem. Healthy people address a concern as soon as it emerges, with the expectation that it will be amicably resolved. Pay attention to that gut feeling, your fluttering heart, your sweaty palms, the shortness of breath, the lack of sleep, the irritability … the list goes on and on! Obviously the body is trying hard to send you plenty of signals, urging you to take action. You don’t just owe it to others – your own health depends on it.
A lot has been said about the difference between aggression and assertion, but the ability to distinguish between submission and setting boundaries is still difficult. Learning how to have, enforce, and respect your own boundaries is something many people have never learned. Such people are easy prey and get taken advantage of again and again. Your life becomes a broken record until you fix it for yourself. The respect you expect from others is a testament to the respect you show yourself.
If you're trying to be assertive but you're not confident, you're convincing no one. Your body language and your tone will give you away. Don't wonder why no one pays attention, if your words are communicating one thing and your body language another.
“Oh”, but you say, “I work remotely / I’m on Zoom. I can’t see/ use body language”. Last I heard, your face was still part of your body; your posture is still a gesture; and your tone of voice is the unconscious clarifier that tells people whether you are weak or powerful.
Don't make a statement and make it sound like a question. If your voice? constantly goes up? Those who are certain of what they're saying, and speak with authority, make statements, not questions. A lot of people are completely unconscious of their tone, and it's something I circle back to again and again in my coaching sessions. Does your tone match your intent? Does it underscore respectful boundaries?
Practice in the mirror, then practice again on voice record. Practice again on video. When you're nervous and stressed, your face, body and voice will give you away. Practice until your body recognizes assertiveness as a known behavior.
When you’re ready to leave getting taken for granted behind, try the following approach instead:
“Could I ask for your help, Ken?” (REQUEST HELP + NAME)
“I DO want to help you with X, but not if …you’re going to Y / Y continues.” (CLEAR BOUNDARY STATEMENT + CONDITION)
“Can I count on you for Z?” (CONFIRM COMMITMENT)
OR
“With my current workload, I don't think I'll be able to also do X. What would you like me to set aside so that I can do X?” (GIVE RESPONSIBILITY)
Follow up your conversation with a friendly email beginning with your thanks and appreciation, reiterate both the agreement and the consequences concisely. Don’t write a book – keep it light. (COVER YOUR ASSETS)
Mean what you say respectfully, and follow through. As long as you can keep taking it, you’ll be expected to keep taking it. (BUCK STOPS HERE)
Behave in a way that showcases you as a leader and a competent, resourceful communicator – no matter your status or role in the organization. Ingrained behaviour doesn’t change overnight. Have patience with yourself. Never forget you are not being confrontational when you set boundaries. You are initiating constructive change for the good of all. So, don't avoid the confrontation. Instead, change your perspective and shed light on issues.
It’s not “you against them” – or as you have likely envisaged – “everyone against you”. When things heat up and difficult conversations do happen, raise the level of respect you demonstrate. Nothing will be accomplished if you “win” and someone else “loses”.
There’s someone near you who may be feeling like they’re taken for granted. Everyone needs encouragement. That’s something you can give away – to yourself and others – today.
About the Author
Anna is an organizational psychologist and executive coach, with a special interest in all things technology. We’re part of the team at Garleff Coaching and Consulting Group. If this article has struck a chord, please let us know.
Anna Garleff Cell: +1 587 224 3793 / anna@garleffcoaching.com
www.garleffcoaching.com
