Selfishness: The Perfect Procrastination
In the tin, shiny world of the internet, we’ve had all the “success lists” dangled in front of us like achievement report cards for the year that was. Inevitably, it’s a comparison and a self-judgement. Did we win or lose?
In the sober light of the new day / new year, we ask ourselves again: Where does success come from? Is it luck - or is it circumstance - or something else?
With the shift into the new year, we can’t help but reflect on what has been and what might be. Do you believe that you’re in control of your destiny - that you can actually have an impact on what happens to you? When all other voices are quiet, do you believe deep down that through your own effort and tenacity; hard work and dedication; through focusing on what you want and how to achieve it - that you can make it happen? If you’re completely honest, do you believe you can improve yourself?
These are age-old questions. Essentially, are you in control, is a higher power in control; is it a god who helps those who help themselves - or one who helps those who help others? Is there a pantheon of gods, or is there a god at all? Is success simply due to blind luck, happenstance, circumstance?
Obviously this is not an either / or question - there’s a lot of murky greyness in there and I’m certainly not going to hold forth the holy grail of an answer. That is a lifelong, solitary pursuit.
But adding to this confusion is the fact that we may say we believe one thing or another, but deep down we actually don’t. How important is it to resolve these questions in order to improve ourselves, our careers, our businesses? As an organizational psychologist, that’s where I can add value.
The end-of-year holidays tend to confront us with these questions, and I think it is important to give them a proper airing before we get fully reabsorbed into the everyday of the every day.
It’s a competitive world, and we have to take setbacks and checks and balances on a regular basis. As leaders, we need to have the mettle to make difficult choices that affect other people, too. You have to be able to see through the charlatans, narcissists, the “yes-but-nos” and the saboteurs. There are plenty of those who would steer you wrong.
This is about those who would steer you right. Because you may not even see them if you’ve been hyper-focusing on the bad and the ugly. For sure not everyone is ethical - that’s obvious. But this isn’t a judgment of character or personality. People learn from experience and what is rewarded gets repeated.
If lying and cheating has got you further in life, that can certainly be a choice you’ve been willing to make time and time again. It may even have become habitual. The level of deception can be so great that lying feels like the truth - even to one’s self. This world can desensitize us to the needs of others and grind away at our capacity for compassion. Every human being has self-absorption traits simply because we’re embodied beings - and we do need to look after ourselves and our families first. No one is exempt from selfishness.Selfishness is an exclusive preoccupation with one’s own advantage, pleasure, or well-being without regard for others. But please distinguish between “selfish” and “self-centred” because they’re two really different things. They are often used interchangeably, and always with negative connotations.
To be “self-centred” however, is critical to personal growth and professional success.
The notion of “self-care” rode in on the (now decades-old) “wellness-wave” (formerly known as “health”) - but the idea has been warped and distorted. Taken too far, we neglect the needs of others and isolate ourselves in the process. Make no mistake: focusing your attention inward is critical. No one but ourselves is responsible for our well-being - mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual.
Being “self-centred”, then, means being rooted securely in the centre of one’s self. Anything else is off-balance. You cannot exercise empathy, kindness, or compassion, if you are not self-centred. That’s why there must be a constant dialogue between the internal and the external.
Now which of these are you? Some people are so far in their head that they actually don’t have the vocabulary to name what they feel - let alone have the stillness to experience it consciously enough to let that emotion guide their choices and decision-making.
Others are so estranged from the notion of personal agency that they have abdicated responsibility for their own narrative in favour of a belief system that says all outcomes are simply a matter of luck - no amount of personal effort or the conscious pursuit of a goal will result in achievement.
In contrast, there are those who go off the deep end in expending so much of their energy on others that it provides the perfect distraction, the perfect cover, the perfect procrastination.
Ironically, this behaviour is also the perfect expression of selfishness. It’s the compulsion to run as far and fast from one’s self as possible - using others as a shield and an excuse - while simultaneously being lauded and praised as the “give-everything / take-nothing” martyr.
So how do you become truly “self-centred”? Focus is key. Truly excellent coaching helps you cultivate and apply mindfulness so you have more control over what you direct your attention to. It doesn’t mean you have to plan out every second or every action, or that relationships become strategic and contrived.
In this new year, I invite you to name and confront your fears, whatever they may be. You can learn to identify and eliminate sources of stress, tension and sadness at the same time that you learn to recognize what truly brings you back to your unique self’s centre.
About the Author
Anna is an organizational psychologist and executive coach, with a special interest in all things technology. We’re part of the team at Garleff Coaching and Consulting Group. If this article has struck a chord, please let us know.
Anna Garleff Cell: +1 587 224 3793 / anna@garleffcoaching.com
www.garleffcoaching.com
