How To Spot A True Leader
Photo by Andrew Ridley on Unsplash
I recently met with a young, aspiring executive who told me he was beginning to recognize true leaders simply by the way they spoke. He didn’t elaborate, but I had, in fact, been observing him.
There had been a change in him since we had last spoken, and I was trying to put my finger on it. What was so different about his mannerisms? Something had shifted in the way he was conducting even a regular conversation, and it was “off”. I continued to pay attention – not only to how he was interacting with me – but also in how he was interacting with the variety of people at the event.
And that’s when the penny dropped.
He had been picking up on gestures, phrases, and idiosyncratic traits of people he admired, and was trying to incorporate them into his own persona. The ways of conversing and engaging in “winning small talk” weren’t really his own – and once I saw that, I couldn’t unsee it. He was working hard to make the mannerisms his own, and trying to grow into the leader he wanted to be seen as.
Now, just as in poker, there are certain “tells” in psychology that can help guide the keen observer in their conversations. Indeed, eagle-eyed and slick-tongued salesman use these markers to guide you straight toward a sale as fast as they can shuffle you along – but in a way that feels normal, natural, and nurturing.
So what does one look for? Immanuel Kant, the great philosopher, advises us to first distinguish between WHAT is said, and HOW it is said.
He emphasizes WHAT:
QUANTITY - be informative, and as brief as possible.
QUALITY - be truthful, and don’t talk about things you don’t know about or have no evidence for.
RELATION - make what you say relevant to the current exchange and be able to adapt.
He describes HOW:
MANNER - be perspicuous, avoid jargon, and speak to the level of the listener.
And as much as I love Kant, what he is talking about is what and how to SAY things. But as always, we must remember the skill of listening as the other 50%. Conversation, after all, is the cooperative effort co-created in the space between people as they approach one another with the intent of a common purpose or mutually accepted direction.
Thus, we can continue his line of thought and draw out the following “tells” or hallmarks of experienced leaders:
PRESENCE - How they stand, sit, enter a room, excuse themselves from a conversation, tilt their heads, gesture and handshake (to name but a few) are the unspoken hallmarks of experienced leaders. They’re smooth operators who truly know how to own a room and make the people within it fall into their orbit. It’s not the words they speak that we’re focusing on here – it’s how they say what they’re not saying. Think about that one for a bit – yes, it’s complicated.
FOCUS - A sub-trait of presence, focus is the courtesy of giving your interlocutor your full attention. There is no multitasking, no scanning the room for someone “better” to mingle with. Who and what they pay attention to is intentional. Never pontificating, excellent leaders know that conversations are for intelligence gathering and relationship building. They are not the time or place for opinions, proselytizing or long diatribes. Facts and details are not as important as what you have in common.
QUESTIONS – A conversation is killed when the answer to a question can be “yes” or “no”. A savvy communicator draws people out of their shells by asking open-ended questions that allow people to reveal their agendas and talk about what moves them. Depending on a person’s sophistication, they might never even become aware of the use of this tactic. They’ll come away thinking they’ve had a great conversation. And why? Because they got to talk about their favourite topic – themselves. But if you ask a question, be genuinely interested in the answer, and file away what you hear. You never know when it will serve you.
FLOW - True leaders are flexible. After all, no one can claim to be a leader who doesn’t have followers. Being able to go with the flow, switch subjects, handle surprise comments, or even stop talking mid-stream is something that distinguishes upper echelon diplomats from someone with no sensitivity for the other 50% of their conversation – the other person! As much as possible, keep your mouth shut and your mind open.
AUTHENTIC - Most people can tell when someone else is being fake. It’s not as easy to admit or even realize when you, yourself, are being fake. You can’t (generally) turn water into wine, put lipstick on a pig, or turn a hardcore introvert into the life of the party. But you are uniquely, wonderfully you! As much as you may admire a characteristic in someone else, have a very candid conversation with yourself and see if it really belongs in your repertoire. Authenticity encompasses admitting what you don’t know – and not the “fake-it-till-you-make it philosophy”. Any human of accomplishment has a keen awareness of what they can and cannot do; what they know and what they don’t. For them, the words “I don’t know” are easy to say.
DIFFERENCE - One size does not fit all. What works for you may not work for someone else, and vice-versa. Don’t equate your experience with theirs. Gifted schmoozers seek out commonalities and are curious about differences. Ever perceptive but never prescriptive, they observe and learn and grow; they experiment, and make conscious choices about who they want to become.
Remember, there will always be those greater and lesser than you. Your value – right now – your age and stage and challenges and opportunities, are wonderfully you.
And so we must view my young friend with the compassionate eye of a mentor; with the understanding that practice makes perfect; that imitation is the highest form of flattery; and the awareness that the journey of becoming – is itself – the purpose of all life.
About the Author
Anna is an organizational psychologist and executive coach, with a special interest in all things technology. We’re part of the team at Garleff Coaching and Consulting Group. If this article has struck a chord, please let us know.
Anna Garleff Cell: +1 587 224 3793 / anna@garleffcoaching.com
www.garleffcoaching.com
