You met a bunch of people at that party and made that great first impression. Or, you memorized that business presentation line for line – and aced it. Or maybe, you went for that networking event and got those top-tier connections you were aiming for.

But, what next?

Although meeting people and creating that positive first impression is a daunting task for an introvert, do you know what’s even more difficult? Continuing to have that same energy and effort to keep the equation going. An introvert prepares for that first interaction with diligence, but finds it difficult to maintain the same level of enthusiasm for each and every meeting.

You must be wondering why I am talking about this!

I’m Neha Solanki, and this is my second blog article in the series “The Introverted Intern” as part of my internship at Garleff Coaching and Consulting Group. Being an introvert, I have had this pressure of mingling with people because of FOMO (Fear Of Missing Out).

You see, extraverts love to talk at every social gathering and at the workplace to build connections. But for an introvert, it becomes both hectic and a hassle. Yes, one needs networking in order to build healthy connections – but is that something an introverted person wants to do – or do they make an effort because that's what they feel they SHOULD be doing?

That's an interesting word there - “SHOULD”. As our CEO, Anna Garleff told me, the word “SHOULD” is a great indicator of societal pressure and internalized voices from the people who build certain expectations in your head (like teachers, parents, etc.). Whenever a person uses the word “SHOULD”, it comes from an extrinsic pressure to conform.

The word “SHOULD”...

We often use this word for the things that we don't want to do, but end up doing anyway; because we believe we are supposed to be doing those things. As if it's a mandated task given to us. This builds undue pressure.

As an introvert with innate preferences for prolonged solitude, it becomes a frustrating and anxious situation to deal with such tasks that one believes they should do, but don’t actually want to do.

Talking about myself, I took up an internship with Garleff Coaching and Consulting Group as a Creative Marketing Intern takes that pressure away. I love my work. It’s fully remote, I can set my own working hours (with the exception of set meetings), and for an introverted person like me, it's the best setting to be working in.

Prior to this internship, I had jobs where meeting and talking to people in person was a mandate. Such situations always got me with a mental ‘to-do-list’ that I “SHOULD” be doing when meeting these important people. There was always a self-inflicted pressure of extending the work relationships further and building long-term connections.

Where does this pressure come from?

It is human nature to be liked by the community of people you are interacting with. This desire increases in a work setting because many important decisions which can alter your professional growth or career path depend on other people. It becomes impossible to neglect the need to connect and network, especially when extraverts do it with such ease.

It adds a lot of unfair pressure on introverted people who find it difficult to chit-chat and make small talk. This pressure snowballs anxiety and hampers self-confidence.

So what should one do to deal with such expectations?

Although it may seem that these expectations are self-inflicted, we can find the origins – and the solution – in the word “SHOULD”,

It isn’t necessary to keep talking all the time to make a connection with someone. One thing this internship is teaching me is that it is okay to be an introvert. We introverts often tend to set a timer in our mind, counting the minutes we have been awkwardly silent for. The countdown starts going and our thoughts go crazy with the mutterings of 'speak up', 'say something funny', 'ask questions' and feeling that you ‘SHOULD fill the space’.

I learnt from Anna that she always pays particular attention to clients’ 'SHOULD sentences' while coaching. She says that they are actually a tool for helping people understand their barriers to success. Many times, we sabotage our own growth by getting stuck to these outdated responsibilities we put on ourselves.

Specifically, the word 'SHOULD' is often an internalized pressure inflicted on us from childhood. Our parents tell us what’s okay and what’s not okay. Sometimes it’s good advice, but sometimes there is a misalignment with our own internal compass. Even if the ‘SHOULD’  behaviour is well-intentioned (i.e. don’t follow your dreams, get a qualification just like your father’s) it is not always in alignment with our true path. This advice may also come sugar-coated like: “It’s just a hobby” or “Get a degree first”.

Even when we become aware that the expectation is unfair or even damaging to us, we still go on with it because we don't know how to deal with it – we feel we ‘SHOULD’ suck it up.

What can you do? (NOT what SHOULD you do!) …

During my short time in this internship, I learnt a lot of things. One of those things is the working style I prefer and how to use my strengths for the benefit of both myself and the organization I am working for.

To put it in a few words, my strongest suit would be my listening skills, and I learnt to utilize these to network. It isn’t required to be talking all the time. Often, we can leave it to the extraverts and be comfortable in listening to what they have to say. Where the introvert adds value is in careful reflection and in actually paying attention to what someone is trying to communicate.  We can reformulate what has been said to ensure accuracy and we are good at asking further probing questions.

It’s not important to talk all the time – what you actually say matters far more. This is what deep communication actually feels like. Introverts are often the ones who listen to understand, not to wait for their turn to pour out their ideas on top of someone else’s.

You CAN take note of when your mind says ‘SHOULD’ and evaluate whether it aligns with your internal compass - consciously - or whether it’s a relic from the past that you don’t actually believe or need.

To my fellow introverts…

Do not attempt to be someone you are not just because you think that’s who you ‘SHOULD’ be.

It’s okay to be who you are. The world will accept you in your own ways. For introverts like me, I found that working remotely works the best for me. I had previously believed that success was contingent on my ability to be going to an office daily and engaging in constant chit-chat.

Find an employer who aligns with your greatest talents and most efficacious ways of working, engaging and adding true value to the organization.

I am not asking everyone to go remote (I’m not saying you ‘SHOULD’ go remote!), but you CAN find ways to be comfortable in the setting you are in, and have the perspective to be able to let go of the societal / internalized pressures.

In this way, awareness of when and how that word ‘SHOULD’ enters your mind can help you identify opportunities for true authenticity.

About the Author

Neha is a Content Writer who loves to travel and write about her life along the way. She is a Creative Marketing Intern at Garleff Coaching and Consulting Group(GCCG). If you loved this blog, please let us know.
Neha Solanki Cell: +1 437 665 2642 / neha.garleffcoaching@gmail.com
www.garleffcoaching.com